i don't think i can scream loud enough to vent out all of my anger and frustration. or maybe i can but only dogs or dolphins can hear it? usually, it's just in my head, drowning out all my other thoughts.if you walk down the street and suddenly decide to let it all out, people look at you funny lol. 
but even when i'm home alone i dont have the courgage to just let out that one scream that i know i need to do. until i can it's just going to eat away my mind until it's lost completely.
why do i let things get to me so much? it really annoys me.
i just want to be a normal person living the life i want to live, but i cant because of my stupid head just not letting me be who i want to be, even though deep deep down in there i know i can do it. i do have the faith in myself to be *that woman* that i want to be, the real me that's hidden away inside this nutjob that i have become! but the faith isn't quite strong enough yet to make itself heard loud and clear. more of a whimper at the moment...
i had a really bad time recently when my boyfriend almost left me. he can't deal with me the way i have become and he just wants the old me back. which is just what i want too 
i had to beg and plead and promise that i would get help, but so far i haven't been able to take the next step. i really love my boyfriend more than anything, i really do, but sometimes i do hate him. i hate him for not being patient with me all of the time and i hate that he's not as loving as he used to be. we've been together almost 3 years, and i know i want to be with him until the end of forever, but its the fear now that he doesnt want to be with me.
he's one of those guys thats a bit of a flirt when he's talking to other girls, and it never used to bother me because it's not something he does to put me down or anything. he doesn't realise he's doing it when he is talking, and i know that he doesn't, but it bothers me now as the girls he chats to when he's out or online or whatever are all like how i want to be but i'm not. it makes me feel really really shit. he can talk all sweetly to some skinny girl whose all cool rock chick looking with fashionable clothes and a cool hair cut, but i just feel like a great big giant blob and it makes me hate him, even though he's not doing anything wrong!!
i am my own worst enemy and all i seem to be doing lately is following the self destruct path. i feel i'm getting worse and i'm never going to get myself out of this horrible horrible place i have put myself, it's like being in a living hell inside my head. i can't get out but i have to 
i just dont know what to do, especially when i can't even scream 
